 | People usually marry the person they have fallen in love with. That works fine for people who had a happy childhood with nurturing, happily married parents. These lucky few can follow their hearts with abandon. But for most people, falling in love represents an unrealistic idealization of the beloved and a doomed wish to heal the wounds received in childhood. We choose people who turn out to be a lot like the parent who caused us the most grief. |
| This is partly because we are unconsciously hoping that we will be able to master our childhood traumas--that we will finally get the person who was incapable of love to love us. It is also because our earliest objects, even when they hurt us, were highly exciting and desperately needed for our very survival. Repeating those relationships again and again as adults becomes addictive and erotic. Once married to that wrong person, marital partners tend to operate the way their own mothers and fathers did, and they unconsciously try to recreate the kind of relationship their own parents had—even if that relationship was toxic. |  |
Psychoanalysis is the best solution to this problem. A good analysis can literally rewire the brain in a way that can help the patient learn to make better choices in their love life. A patient of mine, who is going through a painful divorce and who has been talking about how she has chosen the wrong partners again and again, said this about it:
“My analysis has taught me how to think. All my life I have been buffeted around by my feelings. All my life I have been attracted to people who wanted to use me and treat me like a thing, not a person. But lately I've been thinking that next time, I'm going to choose and not be chosen. I'm going to think about what is good for me and go out and find it, no matter who I am attracted to.”
This woman is ready for a new kind of relationship.
For those who don't have the inclination or the money to begin a long term analysis, there are several things to keep in mind to help a troubled marriage:
For those who don't have the inclination or the money to begin a long term analysis, there are several things to keep in mind to help a troubled marriage:
- Work on improving your fights with your spouse. Only one person is allowed to shout at any given time. If your mate is screaming, try to listen till he or she is finished. Then repeat what your partner has just said without screaming.
- Forget being honest. I shudder when people tell me they are always scrupulously honest with their marital partner. A long term marriage is going to produce plenty of feelings that should not be communicated. You can know that you feel bored with your husband or wife, that you don't like that he or she is older or fatter than they used to be, but nothing good can be gained by being honest about it. Know what you are feeling at all times, but only communicate what will be good for the relationship.
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Marriage is an institution that is a challenging, frustrating, sometimes-impossible endeavor… but it is still the best solution society has created to address the problem of our existential loneliness, and to provide an environment for the care of children.
For more on marriage, see "The Capacity to Love" and "How To Get a Divorce" in Dr. Holmes's latest book, Wrestling with Destiny.
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